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(with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)


  • You’ve ever stood in a hotel parking lot at 4am holding your car keys above your head clicking on the unlock button to find your rental car only to see the tail lights flashing in front of you.
  • You’ve woken up in the middle of the night to pee, and have no idea where you are.
  • You know where ORD, LGA, BWI and IAD are.
  • You understand that the remote control in your hotel room is germ central – so you use the liner to the ice bucket to change channels.
  • You know that:
    a “weather delay” really means, we can’t find the pilot
    a “flight cancelled” on a small prop plane means we didn’t sell enough seats
    a “crew delay” means the pilot needs to sober up
    a “mechanical” delay means we can’t find the pilot
  • Should there be an emergency before take-off and someone had to recite the safety announcements for the flight attendant, you could do it. 
  • You can look at a container of “liquid” and tell from 20 feet out if it is 3 oz. or 3.5 oz. 
  • You know when it’s “rookie season” and plan your TSA route accordingly (avoiding families, cowboys and punk rockers).
  • You know that the ticket and gate agents hold all the power in the world – and there is not reason to EVER piss them off.
  • You’re standing in front of the departure monitors in an airport – and can’t remember where you’re going……and then do…..home.



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July 2009